Byron Talks: Founder, Author and ADHD Coach Vivian Dunstan

Talks

Feb 3

By Kate Love

As ADHD diagnoses continue to rise, more families are finding themselves overwhelmed, exhausted and searching for support that actually works in real life. The back-to-school period, in particular, can amplify challenges - from emotional dysregulation and school refusal to fractured routines and parental burnout.

Vivian Dunstan is an ADHD educator, advocate and the founder of ADHD Support Australia, with more than a decade of experience supporting neurodivergent children, parents and families across Australia. With strong ties to the Byron region, including Bangalow and her role as volunteer coordinator for the Byron Families & Relationships Mental Health Professionals Network, Vivian brings both professional expertise and lived understanding to the conversation.

Known for translating complex research into practical, compassionate strategies, Vivian is also a trusted public voice on ADHD, parenting and women’s mental health, regularly contributing expert commentary. Her work centres on moving families beyond behaviour-only approaches and towards deeper understanding, connection and regulation within the whole family system.

In this Byron Talks conversation, Vivian shares insight into the most common misconceptions around ADHD, why parental wellbeing is foundational to supporting neurodivergent children and what families really need - especially during times of transition and pressure.

From your experience, what are some of the biggest misconceptions parents face when their child is diagnosed with ADHD?

One of the biggest misconceptions is that ADHD is simply a behavioural problem - that if parents were firmer, more consistent or found the “right” strategy, the difficulties would disappear. In reality, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference that affects emotional regulation, attention, stress response and executive functioning. Behaviour is usually the outcome of what’s happening in a child’s nervous system, not the root problem.

Another common misconception is that ADHD only affects learning or concentration at school. In truth, it impacts the whole child and the whole family - relationships, sleep, emotional wellbeing, friendships, self-esteem and family dynamics. Parents are often unprepared for how broad and ongoing the impact can be, particularly if they’re given a diagnosis without practical, real-world guidance.

This gap between diagnosis and meaningful support is one of the reasons I wrote The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Handbook - to help families understand what’s really going on beneath the behaviour and respond with clarity and compassion.

The back-to-school period can be particularly challenging for families. What do you see coming up most often for parents at this time of year?

Back-to-school can bring a perfect storm for ADHD families. Changes in routine, increased expectations, sensory overload, social pressure and fatigue often hit all at once. Parents commonly report heightened anxiety, emotional meltdowns, school refusal, sleep disruption and increased conflict at home during this time.

Social challenges are also particularly visible - navigating friendships, group dynamics and unspoken social rules can be exhausting for neurodivergent children, especially after the relative safety of the holidays. For parents, this period often triggers self-doubt and worry, particularly if their child is struggling to “settle in” while others appear to cope.

What families need most at this time isn’t more pressure or behaviour charts, but reassurance, flexibility and strategies that support regulation - for both children and parents.

You speak about moving beyond behaviour-only approaches. What does that shift look like in everyday family life?

Moving beyond behaviour-only approaches means shifting from asking “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What is my child’s behaviour telling me?” In everyday family life, that looks like slowing down, getting curious and responding to the nervous system rather than trying to control the outcome.

Practically, it might mean prioritising emotional safety over compliance, adjusting expectations when a child is overwhelmed or supporting regulation before addressing tasks or consequences. It also means recognising that progress isn’t linear - and that connection often does more to change behaviour than correction ever could.

In my work, and throughout The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Handbook, I encourage parents to focus on understanding, co-regulation and relationships first, because when children feel safe and supported, behaviour naturally shifts over time.

Moving beyond behaviour-only approaches means shifting from asking “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What is my child’s behaviour telling me?” In everyday family life, that looks like slowing down, getting curious and responding to the nervous system rather than trying to control the outcome.

How can parents support emotional regulation and wellbeing in children with ADHD without burning themselves out?

One of the most important things parents can do is recognise that they don’t need to do everything perfectly. Many parents of children with ADHD are already running on empty, often carrying guilt, worry and a sense that they’re constantly failing.

Supporting emotional regulation starts with co-regulation - helping children calm and organise their nervous systems through connection, predictability and empathy. But that only works if parents are also supported to regulate themselves. Small changes like simplifying routines, lowering unrealistic expectations, building in recovery time and seeking understanding rather than judgement can make a profound difference.

Parental wellbeing isn’t a luxury - it’s foundational. When parents are supported, resourced and treated with compassion, the entire family system benefits.

Many parents report feeling blamed or judged. What impact does that have on families, and what needs to change in how we talk about ADHD?

Blame and judgement are incredibly damaging for families. When parents are made to feel responsible for their child’s challenges, it increases stress, shame and isolation and often leads parents to doubt their instincts or avoid seeking help altogether.

Children absorb this too. When ADHD is framed as a failure of parenting or effort, it undermines a child’s self-worth and can contribute to anxiety, depression and disengagement from learning or relationships.

What needs to change is the narrative. ADHD should be understood as a difference, not a deficit. Families need support, not scrutiny. When we shift the conversation toward understanding, collaboration and practical support, outcomes improve for everyone.

You take a holistic, family-centred approach to ADHD. Why is parental wellbeing such a crucial part of supporting neurodivergent children?

Because children don’t exist in isolation - they exist within families, relationships and nervous systems that constantly interact. When parents are overwhelmed, exhausted or unsupported, it directly affects their capacity to respond calmly and compassionately, no matter how much they love their child.

A holistic, family-centred approach recognises that supporting a neurodivergent child means supporting the whole family. This includes parental mental health, stress levels, physical health, quality sleep, emotional support and access to understanding communities.

In my work through ADHD Support Australia, and throughout The Ultimate ADHD Parenting Handbook, I emphasise that caring for parents is not selfish - it’s one of the most effective ways to support neurodivergent children long-term.

With diagnoses rising, what do you wish schools and wider systems better understood about ADHD and learning differences?

I wish schools and systems better understood that ADHD is not about lack of effort or motivation, but about differences in how the brain processes attention, emotion and stress. Many children with ADHD are working far harder than it appears, often masking their difficulties until they burn out.

Support needs to be proactive, flexible and relational - not solely focused on behaviour management or academic outcomes. Schools work best when they partner with families, listen to lived experience, and recognise that regulation, connection and safety are prerequisites for learning.

As diagnoses rise, there’s a real opportunity to move toward more inclusive, compassionate systems that recognise neurodiversity as part of human variation - and support children and families accordingly.